The Cabin in the Woods (2012)

Rating: 4/5

Well, I must say, out of the movies we have watched this is one of the best (which isn't saying much since we have seen some terrible movies), but we will get to those later. I don't really know where to start with this, so I guess I will start with the beginning, which would be logical. The movie starts out with some average looking slums at work, for some reason I thought they worked with impregnating women, I swear I heard that in there. They seem to be in competition with other countries for something, I'm not really sure, but all I know is Japan kicked America’s ass last year (which doesn't bother me because I love Japan, so yay). Moving on, now we meet this cast of cliché characters. We've got a ginger (Dana), who apparently was fucking her professor but he dumped her via email. We've got a faux blond whore (Jules) and her boyfriend Thor (actually named Curt, but I will refer to him as Thor). We've also got an incredibly annoying pothead (Marty) who sounds and looks like he’s 30 and, last but not least there is some guy who is of some ethnicity that I'm not really sure of (Holden).  

So this group of friends is going to a cabin, supposedly Thor's "cousin's" cabin in the woods (obviously it is not), to party or hang out or to hook up, whatever. Back at the office everyone is taking bets, I thought it was who was going to die first. So moving on the group of friends is playing truth or dare, the whore has to make out with a stuffed wolf head (which is disgusting because who knows how many germs and dust is living on that thing), then the cellar door magically opens and of course is blamed on the wind. The ginger, who is apparently a chicken, is dared to go down there, which she does to prove she has balls. She sees a picture of a girl and screams so everyone comes downstairs and she admits that she scared herself. There is a lot of shit in this cellar and Thor says he doesn't think it belongs to his cousin, so they all start picking things up. Before anyone else says anything the ginger picks up the diary of the girl in the picture and tells everyone to listen (this is actually what the people were betting on).  So she reads some of it and then there is a phrase in Latin, despite the pothead's objection the ginger reads it anyways. We then see the redneck clan come up from the dirt. 

You know you don't always have to do what people dare you to do.

Apparently, every year, maintenance bets on the redneck zombie clan to be chosen and this year finally paid off! Another woman had placed her bet on Zombies but because it was specific she did not win. One of the main guys voted for merman, I honestly wish they had picked that one because it would have been hilarious. 
Now for people to start dying; the whore and Thor go off into the woods to get in on, obviously. The people get the money shot of boobs and then send the redneck zombies to kill her. She is held on her knees while her head is cut off with the oldest, most worn saw you have ever seen. Thor is a ball of emotions right now and runs back to the cabin. Outside the pothead is peeing and the zombie redneck girl is coming up behind him with an ax. Luckily Thor arrived at the perfect time. 

Thor knocking that bitch down! He will have none of that!

So Thor and the pothead go inside and everyone is like where is the whore and next thing you know a big redneck zombie man throws her dismembered head at Thor who then hot potatoes it to the ginger. Well they found the whore. They barricade the door and decide to stick together but that doesn't last long because the men at the office release a chemical that makes Thor change his mind and decides they should split up instead. They all go into their rooms and the men lock them in. The pothead, while closing his window, breaks his lamp which had one of the cameras hidden in it. He sees this and assumes he's on a reality TV show, the men are worried but luckily one of the redneck zombies is right outside his window. Judah (the redneck zombie who takes the pothead) pulls him out the window, luckily the pothead grabbed his coffee cup which doubles as his expandable bong and whacks Judah in the head with it and tries to run. Judah throws half of a rusty set of shears in his back and drags him off, where you hear screaming and death. 
The ginger and Holden are in a room together and find another cellar door and go downstairs, they end up in the dark room. The dark room was referenced in a diary entry, the father killed Judah there. The ginger safely assumes that they will both die here. Out of nowhere the zombie redneck dad throws a bear trap at Holden's back and starts pulling him up. The ginger stabs a crowbar through his eye; she's dumb as fuck thinking that killed him. When he opens his eyes she grabs a knife and stabs him multiple times, this seems to maim him so she frees Holden and they escape to the RV to meet up with Thor. 

Expandable bongs have never been so handy.

The three of them get in the RV they came in and proceed to drive back through the tunnel from where they came. This is a problem, the tunnel was supposed to have been blown up hours ago. Now it is a race, one of the men must run to the control room to fix the broken wires and blow up the tunnel before they escape! Just as they are about to be safe and free the tunnel explodes and Thor must drive in reverse to safety (you would not want me driving in that situation). They make it and try to figure out how they can escape now. Luckily there's another way, there's just a 15 foot gap keeping them away from it. Thor jumps on his motorbike, assuring them he can make the jump and if not he will limp to go find help. Thor attempts to make the jump, he would have made it if it weren't for the invisible dome keeping them trapped in there (when he hit the dome it lit of but apparently they didn't see that so they don't know wtf happened). 

Like they didn't see that, not even the sparks? Seriously?

Three down, two to go. The men are getting excited, they can win this. Japan recently failed the challenge so it's really all up to America now. Holden and the ginger get back in the RV and start driving the opposite way of the tunnel, assuming there has to be another road out of here. While Holden is telling the ginger that he needs her to stay strong a redneck zombie stabs him in the back of the neck, slicing it every which way. Since he was driving the RV loses control and drives off a ledge into a lake. The ginger swims to the back and makes it out of the RV and swims back to the dock, leaving the redneck zombie submerged with Holden's corpse. 

Back at the office everyone is celebrating! They did it! The ginger (representing a virgin) was an optional death, so with everyone else dead they won! On the monitor you can see the father redneck zombie with his bear trap whacking her with it, slowly killing her. THIS is where the movie should have ended, but it didn't. It gets a lot more frustrating now. 


APPARENTLY that motherfucking pot head survived, he cut up the zombie with a trowel. He saves the ginger and brings her to a room (elevator) where the redneck zombies came from. They get in the elevator and are now surrounded by clear elevators similar to what they are in, all full of different monsters that are symbolic of previous horror films. It is at this moment the ginger see a pinhead-esque man holding an object she saw in the cellar, she realizes that they picked what killed their friends. 

Ok wrapping it up quickly, the ginger and pot head release all the monsters and the monsters go off killing pretty much all the staff. The man who betted on the merman is ironically killed by the merman, his last words were "you've got to be kidding me." The other man escapes to try and fix this but that goddamn ginger stabs him! This cunt, I swear. The guy tells her to kill him; by him he means the pot head because this is his entire fault. So the director of the company comes and talks to them, explaining that they have to do this every year as a sacrifice to the Ancient One or else the world will end. The ginger aims the gun at the pot head, about to do the right thing when a motherfucking werewolf comes and attacks her. The director and pot head fight and the zombie redneck girl shows up and axes’ the director in the head, both fall to the center of the earth. The pot head and ginger hold hands while the world ends.