Dark Forest of Death (2006)

Rating: 2/5

So they really dragged this movie out. Near the end they started getting fancy with the camera work and transitions (I guess transitions, not really sure what to call it) and it was just not a good move on their part. 

It's about 5 people who are going to the woods to climb (the girl keeps saying they are a climbing team, but there is no climbing done at all). Let's meet the team then, shall we:

Woo-Jin

Super strict big brother who is hard on Seung-Heon.

Jeong-Ah 

Woo-Jin's girlfriend and she is a medium (though Woo-Jin doesn't believe in that).

Jun-Hu

He's an alcoholic and loves the ladies with lonely hearts.

Seung-Heon

Shy and keeps to himself, Woo-Jin's younger brother.

Se-Eun

She wants to be a reporter and is very vain.

So when they get to entrance of the woods it's closed but Jun-Hu says there is a back way by the stone arches. A year ago there was a terrible forest fire so Woo-Jin thought the gate was closed but of course the alcoholic was right. They start their trek into the forest when they find stone pagodas. Se-Eun and Jun-Hu want to see if they can hit them with rocks but Jeong-Ah tells them not to and tells them to respect someone's last wishes. As soon as everyone else starts to walk away they throw rocks anyways which of course starts all their issues so it's these two assholes who are to blame. 

Soon after Se-Eun twists her ankle and they cannot continue the trek so they have to set up camp right where they are. They drink a little vodka that Jun-Hu brought along then send him to go get water. When he finds the water source he slips and smashes his head on the ground and starts bleeding, which when he gets up says "is embarrassing." When going to fill up the canister a face appears in the water and pulls him in to drown him. Jeong-Ah, being a medium and sensing others deaths, starts freaking out and tells Woo-Jin that she thinks Jun-Hu is in trouble. They get to the water and find the canister but no sign of Jun-Hu.

Back at the camp Seung-Heon is in his tent listening to music and Se-Eun is looking at what she has recorded thus far. While watching blood starts dripping from the top of her tent onto her and a shadow appears and that front starting to unzip her tent. She thinks it's a joke and starts calling out her friends names but when it opens she just starts screaming and is dragged out. Seung-Heon hears nothing.

Woo-Jin and Jeong-Ah return to the camp and begin looking for Seung-Heon who comes out of the bushes just in time. They ask where Se-Eun is and he says in her tent. Jeong-Ah goes to check but discovers it empty and picks up her camcorder, they watch it to see that her being dragged off was recorded. Seung-Heon wants to get the fuck out of there so they can find some proper help, but Woo-Jin says they're going to look for them first but he wants to go get help alone he can. He doesn't want to go alone so they all start walking through the woods screaming Se-Eun's name. 

Se-Eun wakes up in the dark by a tree to find a possessed (or possibly zombie) Jun-Hu with a knife coming for her, he repeatedly stabs her in her vagina until she dies. 

So Seung-Heon ends up getting separated from his brother and Jeong-Ah after they got in a fight about him being scared and walked off ahead, he gets his hand caught in a tree but somehow escapes and hides.

Woo-Jin and Jeong-Ah are looking for him but some power in the woods is preventing them from hearing Seung-Heon's screams. They end up finding Se-Eun covered in blood coming towards them and then some random guy with a shotgun and ax comes and shoots Se-Eun and whacks her in the head. They end up at his cabin and he tells them how he and his family came here and the same thing happened to them and he had to kill them and he started the forest fire. (In the flashback they show during the story the wife accidentally knocked over the stone pagodas while standing up from resting there).  Woo-Jin doesn't believe this and just calls him a murderer but the man continues to warn them not to bleed here or they will become like their friends. 

Woo-Jin knocks the guy in the face with the butt of the shotgun and the man spits blood on the ground which he is so pissed about because he didn't want to turn into one of them (he still had one more tie to cut from the spirt/human world).  

So they bail and end up finding Seung-Heon hiding behind a rock fixture and they start to book it for their car. They make it safely but too bad it won't start, someone fucked with the engine so they're stuck there. 

Long story short Seung-Heon ends up turning into a zombie, his brother can't bring himself to kill him so Jeong-Ah does. Seung-Heon ends up killing Jun-Hu with a molotov cocktail made out of the vodka bottle he left in the car. Woo-Jin believes it's over now and that they should be safe but Jeong-Ah has a vision that she will end up killing Woo-Jin but she can't deal with it so she decides to kill/sacrifice herself instead. She cuts her hand and lets the blood drip to the ground and tell Woo-Jin that it isn't over. She syphons gasoline into her mouth and pours it all around her. 

What I didn't mention in the beginning is that Woo-Jin is a smoker and Jeong-Ah wants him to quit. So in the back of the match book she writes him a message. So when it comes to burn her he rips out every match so he can read it before he does the deed.

 Sadly Netflix didn't translate it because they thought I learned how to read Korean by the end of the film. 

So this "seeing others deaths" is a curse. Jeong-Ah got it from her sister (her sister saw Jeong-Ah's death and couldn't handle it so she killed herself in a car crash). So now Woo-Jin can see what she saw. He picked of the family photo of axe guy and saw there was someone else on the trip, someone who took the picture, someone who got away; his last tie to cut. Woo-Jin goes over to the abandoned car and a girl slowly comes and, presumably, kills Woo-Jin.

The last 40 minutes of this movie could have been easily condensed into 15. They just dragged it out, and I really don't know why.

Rosemary's Baby (1968)

Rating: 0/5

HOLY SHIT THIS IS THE LONGEST MOVIE EVER
This movie got an 8/10 on IMDb, who the hell rated it that high?! This movie is shit. If I was Rosemary I would've killed like everyone by now, especially that no good husband of hers. OMG like that man is so fucking annoying.

This movie is just so frustrating, I feel like I've been sitting in front of my TV for days. This movie should not have been made, who thought this was good, seriously?!

It's full of creepy ass old people who all love Satan, and they are also annoying as fuck. Rosemary seriously grow some freaking balls and stab these mofos.

I can't even properly review this because it is a fucking terrible movie.

The Woman (2011)

Rating: 3/5

I have never been happier with an ending of a movie. Justice was rightfully served.

The movie starts out with scenes of a woman who clearly grew up in the woods bathing in the creek and hunting. So we know she is the woman. We go to a pool party/barbecue where a family seems to be having an okay time. They go home and we see that the father enjoys hunting, on his hunting trip he comes across the woman bathing in the creek and he seems to be a bit turned on by wild woman's boobs. So he follows her and goes back to the house with a plan.

Before dinner he makes his wife and kids clean the cellar up, and tells them he will have a surprise for them tomorrow. So the next day he hunts down the woman and throws a net on her. He tells her he doesn't want to hurt her than presides to hit her in the head with the butt of his gun (didn't want to hurt her my ass).

He brings her home and ties her up in the cellar, and needless to say she is pissed the fuck off. He gets to friendly and he bites his ring finger off and spits his ring on the ground, which I was all good for her! So he goes in the house washes it off and bandages it himself, like how he didn't get an infection and lose his whole hand is beyond me.

So he shows his family and his wife and eldest daughter are like what the fuck but his sadistic little asshole son is all excited. Like father like son. 

I have never been so pissed and angry and a father and son character ever, they needed to be tortured and killed because they are fucking horrible people. The man likes to beat his wife too, so ugh. 

So the son also had his turn (thinking he was alone) stabbing her and jerking off. The eldest sister catches him and like of course stops him and calls him a disgusting person or something which he is. The woman seems to like her and she knows that she's pregnant, and the eldest sister is really the only one who tried to stop her father while he powerwashed her, like you don't fucking use a powerwashers on a person okay. 

So the eldest sister tells her mom what she caught her brother doing and she is disgusted and when the father gets home she tells him and he is like not angry, shocked, or disgusted at all (shocker right?). So this was the wife's last stray and she tells him that she's leaving him and he beats the shit out of her and like breaks her rib. 

So on this day the eldest daughters math teacher decides to come over because she knows the girl is pregnant and she wants to tell the parents. Well the dad gets all pissed saying he would know if she had a boyfriend and if she was, so he's all what do you think her brother did it? Do you think I got her pregnant? So the teacher tries leaving but he was pissed so he punched her. And apparently he now needs to discipline her so he ties her up and drags her to the barn with his son in tow and the eldest daughter screaming at him to stop. Well he's not going to listen to her so he beats her up and drags the teacher into the cage with their dogs and apparently another sister who is born with no eyes so he treated her like a dog and that's how she is, violent and a cannibal. 

The teacher crawls away from the dogs only for the lost sister to come out of her doghouse to bite her ear off. Well the eldest sister has had enough of this shit and runs to the house to get the keys to unleash the woman. She runs to the cellar and her mother follows as fast as she can being injured. After the eldest sister, Peg, undoes all the chains the mother says, what have you done? Well the woman doesn't like the mother because she did nothing to stop her husband so she eats half her face and just tosses her aside. 

Sadly the teacher is already dead, and the father is telling the son to go get cleaning supplies and bags because the dogs and lost sister won't be able to eat all of her.

Now for the sweet, sweet justice. As the boy is getting ready to leave the woman comes in with a sharp metal plank. She takes a few glorious strikes and kills the sadistic son. The father is trying to find his rifle, which he does, but the woman gets him and he accidentally shoots himself. Perfect for the woman because she reaches in to the wound in his gut and goes all the way up and pulls out his heart, and in his last living moment he watches her take a bite out of it.

So the sadistic men are dead and the mother who did nothing to stop him. Hallelujah! So the woman takes the lost dog sister and the youngest daughter with her back to the woods and Peg follows them. 

The movie pissed me off but I was so happy there was some kind of justice for the women.

The Skeleton Key (2005)

Rating: 3/5

Where do I start? Well I love movies that take place in New Orleans and involve voodoo, well in this case hoodoo, but I wasn't satisfied.

It was really the ending I didn't much care for but we'll get to that at the end.

So this girl works in hospice and the place she works at she doesn't feel cares about the elderly dying so she starts looking for another job. She finds one taking care of a man who had a stroke that paralyzed both sides of his body, when I believe it usually only paralyzes one. The first time she takes care of him in his bed he grips her arm really tight and looks at her with a face that would tell other people to get the hell out of that house. His wife is a traditional souther woman who's just kinda there. 

So the girl, Caroline, gets a skeleton key that opens all the doors and the elderly woman conveniently forgot a package of seeds for her garden and instead of getting them herself decides to send Caroline to get them from her attack. Now obviously they need to be in the attack for the storyline to work but who the hell keeps seeds in the attic, that is so inconvenient; you keep them in your shed a few feet away from your garden not three flights up in your house. So Caroline goes to the attack and there's some rattling and being a dumb white girl she goes to check it out. What does she find? A door. A door that her skeleton key doesn't open. So she takes the seeds back down to the woman and instead of forgetting about the door, that she would have absolutely no business using, she decides to try to open it. 

So when the woman is doing her own thing Caroline sneaks up there to try to open, and she figures it out and finds all kinds of jars of possibly body parts, and a scarecrow type doll and some records. So the woman starts calling for her, asking if she wants sweet tea, which should be a no because that's gross, but not the point. The woman looks everywhere for her, and she starts coming up to the attic and Caroline freaks out and breaks a jar of something and steals a record and hides. She doesn't get caught, good for her.

Then scenes where her roommate explains hoodoo and that her aunt believes in it and she shows her where her aunt shops for the stuff, and being a smart girl she tells her don't mess with it and of course she doesn't listen. 

So Caroline believes that Ben (the old man she's taking care of) believes that he is under a curse of some sort so she goes to the hoodoo shop for stuff for a spell to make him better. She goes up to Ben's room when the woman is sleeping to perform the spell on him. While doing it he begins to speak and of course the woman comes up and is banging on the door and Caroline is freaking out and Ben's trying to warn her that this is all his wife's fault, and Caroline apparently doesn't comprehend that. So the wife comes in and tells Caroline to go to bed she won't be needed for the rest of the night, she obviously doesn't want Caroline helping Ben.

So Caroline starts believing in hoodoo which is what causes her downfall. 

To get to the ending I guess I need to explain the story from the movie that the woman told Caroline:
The house used to belong to a family with two kids, and they had servants (slaves) that they mistreated and abused. One night they had a party with all kinds of important people and they were all drunk, and before leaving they wanted to say goodbye to the children. Well they couldn't find the children so they started to turn it into a game (because when your drunk missing children doesn't seem as bad as it really is). So they finally heard some shit going on in the attic and when they got up there the two slaves, Justify and Cecile, were teaching the children hoodoo. Well these rich white folks were having none of that so they took the slaves to the front yard to hang and burn them while they continued drinking.

So somehow Justify and Cecile had already done some kind of sacrifice spell and just body hopped throughout the years. Cecile was in the old woman's body and Justify was in the lawyers body who I didn't mention because I don't want to spend forever on this stupid movie. At the end Cecile transferred into Caroline's body and bitches because she's sick of being white, but all the black girls don't mess with hoodoo so they got the hell out of there, smart, smart, smart. 

I didn't like the end because in the story they said Justify and Cecile only did mean spells to mean/evil people, and they turned into mean/evil people who just want to continually hurt nice, innocent hospice people who just want to help, so it was dumb that evil won in this movie because it shouldn't have.

The ABCs of Death (2012)

Rating: 2/5

I just really need to talk about this movie, it was so disturbing. 

A: Apocalypse 
I really didn't understand it until they said it was for Apocalypse

B: Bigfoot
Yeah, don't know how it was for Bigfoot, it didn't look like Bigfoot, just a guy with a partially burnt face

C: Cycle
Wasn't bad, I thought it was going to be an Alice in Wonderland thing because there was a hole in the garden and the girlfriends name was Alice, but it didn't. It wasn't bad though

D: Dogfight
I don't like animal cruelty so Dogfight wasn't for me

E: Exterminate 
Hate spiders, even though the spider looked totally fake still made my skin crawl

F: Fart
Okay, this is where it started getting weird, I don't, just why. Farts, like Japanese farting I can't

G: Gravity
Really dumb, I forgot about it until I looked up what G was again. Was hoping it was for Great White and a shark was going to eat the person but it wasn't -sigh-

H: Hydro-Electric Diffusion
All I can say about this is furries, disturbing and just 100% weird

I: Ingrown
Don't know how ingrown really worked into what was shown but it was pretty acceptable

J: Jidai-Geki
The faces the guy makes are hilarious, but otherwise didn't do much for me

K: Klutz
More toilet humor, not my thing, at least it was animated so it wasn't as disturbing

L: Libido
Okay this one, so fucking disturbing it's not even funny. Just a couple of guys at a time jerking off and whoever cums last has a sharp pole shoved up his ass. There's also a big guy who rapes a child, not cool, not cool at all. I would tell you to skip this but I mean you just have to see it so you can be just as disturbed as I am

M: Miscarriage 
Eh, was really short so it was over faster so that's good

N: Nuptials 
One of the best ones, it's more funny than horrific though

O: Orgasm
I knew when it started it was going to be orgasm but I didn't really get it

P: Pressure
I liked this up until the end, where I covered my eyes because I'm 90% positive the girl killed a kitten which I can't stomach even if it's fake

Q: Quack
Really dumb, that's really all I can say

R: Removed
It was, interesting I guess, the ending didn't really give me any closure but it was pretty bloody

S: Speed
The beginning is really lame, but the ending is a really good twist and it was pretty memorable

T: Toilet
Literal toilet humor, pretty funny actually, the whole thing

U: Unearthed
Ehhh, it's a cool first person vampire short but not impressed

V: Vagitus
Futuristic short, didn't care for it

W: WTF!
Well it was really WTF worthy, it was just a mix of random ass shit

X: XXL
The best short on here, it's very graphic. The jokes the people yell at the fat girl on the street are pretty stupid but the carving to make herself thin is done wonderfully

Y: Youngbuck
It's just gross, it's about a pedophile who likes to lick sweat off the bleachers, which I shivered at because fucking gross, at least he gets what he deserves

Z: Zetsumetsu
This, this is the icing on the cake. There is a giant fake penis with a knife in it. A girl shoots vegetables from her vagina, and the dicks all shoot out rice instead of semen. There is a lot of nudity in this so it seemed more like a weird fetish porno than some kind of horror flick

Sorry these reviews of the letters weren't really descriptive I just needed to talk about this because I am just so disturbed from watching this (and it takes a lot to disturb me)