The Devil's Candy (2015)

Rating: Thumbs Up 👍

So I actually enjoyed this film, possibly because it was relatively short compared to other movies I've seen. A metal painter, his wife and their daughter move to a nice house in the middle of nowhere in Texas. There is a nice big shed for the guy to paint so he's all for it, even though starting a new school for the daughter isn't fun and his wife has to take two buses to get to the salon (where I assume she works) because they don't have a second car. 

I possibly just enjoyed it because they played Metallica and the art he produced during the film (a mere two pieces) were actually quite nice in my opinion. I thought it was interesting that the teenage daughter had a visible tattoo on her arm, very lax parenting in my opinion, it also wasn't that great of a tattoo so she's going to regret that. 

I assume the red track suit man is just an unmedicated schizo whose voices tell him to kill children for devil. I know the father also hears voices, which inspire him to paint the art that gets him into the gallery (who I think is run by the devil), but I think maybe the voices he hears are that of the buried children who are chopped up in suitcases on his property. 

So I don't really want to call this a demonic/paranormal film as there wasn't anything that implied that except people usually pair metal music and devil worship. 

I mean the dad kills the schizo with a flying V guitar at the end and you know what.. 

A Dark Song (2016)

Rating: Thumbs Down 👎

It starts off promising with a mysterious ritual plans. However, the odd ritual is never explained, other than the fact that it is mentally and physically challenging. Apparently, eventually, if you do it right, you get a wish! Like a genie! But JK, your friend has to die and your finger gets cut off first. On the bright side, some how you can break out of the "leaving the circle" loop by talking to a giant man! On a more uplifting note, she asked for the ability to forgive instead of revenge, which in hindsight (based on the look the guardian gave her) may not have been granted, and she would have been stuck in the loop forever. I also didn't know that ghosts could drag dead bodies around! Made the movie a little weird. The son's death was never really addressed, and where was she when she was supposed to be picking him up from school at 3:30? What man???
And the poor guy that died! Didn't they have cellphones at whatever time period this plot line took place? So many questions...

The Devil Dolls (2016)

Rating: Thumbs Down 👎

The Devil's Dolls is a movie about the worlds worst cop. After finally finding and killing a serial killer that had been his obsession for a very long time he just loses any fucks he had left to give. 

The evidence at the crime scene was a wooden box with a handful of handmade dolls, he put them in an evidence box in the back of his police are and went to visit his daughter. He told her that he had something for her in the car and she ran out to find it, for some reason she thought it would be in the evidence box. A good cop would have noticed this pretty soon since I'm pretty sure they have to log all the evidence right away, and not keep it in their car for several days. 

The daughter uses the dolls as charms for jewelry she makes and sells at the thrift shop. She sells one to a young couple from out of town, her aunt, and a daughter taking care of her wheelchair bound mother. Of course she keeps one for herself. 

So the male in the young couple brutally kills a gas station clerk while wearing the necklace, which the cop doesn't notice at all. He had seen these necklaces before obviously, but he just apparently blocked that from his mind. It doesn't click until his ex-wife's best friend's husband, Todd, kills their landscaper and then the wife. If Todd isn't his name I'm sorry, I didn't feel like looking on IMDb to double check, I'm going from memory. 

The daughter apparently has epilepsy and in the middle of the night while wearing her devil doll bracelet she kills her mom's fiances' dog and draws a demonic symbol in blood on the pantry door. The symbol is important because it's what the serial killer used and was a detail not shared with the public. The young boy who killed the gas clerk drew the symbol on a display case and Todd had it carved into his chest. 

Several people close to him, including his partner, die during this film and he doesn't seem to be bothered at all. It was just dumb. 

His daughter killed a dog, so if you don't like animal violence (I don't), just a warning I guess. 

Demonic (2015)

Rating: Thumbs Up 👍

I really liked this movie, I personally thought it was pretty good. It wasn't all found footage, which is so nice, and the way incorporate it makes sense. Twenty years ago, or twenty-five (I can't remember exactly), there was a mass murder at a remote house in a small town with only one survivor. So, twenty-five years later, a group of annoying ghost hunters decide to go there and perform a seance. 

The movie starts with a neighbor finding the bodies, his wife claimed she heard loud noises coming from the house so the poor man had to go check it out. So we already know that majority do not survive. There is one surviving male, that the police are interviewing, but his only concern is that his pregnant girlfriend made it out alive. 

Without getting too much into it, everything wraps up nicely and there are no unanswered questions, which there usually are in horror movies because of plot holes or laziness. I didn't have to google what the ending meant, and I'm not asking any questions here because I don't have any. It's a very complete feeling. 

The Black Room (2016)

Rating: Thumbs Down 👎

The cover art does make it look like low budget film.

I'm pretty sure Netflix's description had something about a "lustful ghost," which is what made me interested in the film at all. Lustful for murder or just sex? The opening scene definitely meant sex. Too bad the opening credits were so horribly done that it made me stop watching. Even the music they use is so misplaced, it makes it seem like I'm about to watch some campy detective film. 

So many random 3D objects spinning, it was like they made this in the 80s/90s and were trying to show off. I'm pretty sure the opening credits are the scariest thing about this film. 

The Disappointments Room (2017)

Rating: Thumbs Up 👍

This movie is not highly rated on IMDb, so it makes perfect sense that I liked it. After reading the trivia and about the scenes cut from the movie I obviously wish they had been added back to help the flow.

I think I just like the whole hidden room where you hide disfigured children portion, I wish there was more of that. The whole mystery of how their infant daughter died was very anti-climatic, with all the blood they showed in flashbacks I had assumed the  mother snapped and stabbed her, but she just fell asleep on her, not very interesting. Real, but not very interesting, so that whole thing was very meh.  

I did not like that cat, who was very cute I must say, was killed. I would have preferred the child killed instead of the cat, that would have taken her mental issues to a whole new level of crazy, and possibly led to a more interesting ending. 

The Stranger (2015)

Rating: Thumbs Down 👎

Well I didn't like this movie, at all. I'm very picky when it comes to vampire-esque films, which means I actually try avoiding them as much as possible, the Netflix description did not make this seem like a vampire movie.

My ideal vampire is not a whiny bearded man who kills animals for sustenance (not just random animals, people's pets!) and just wants to die. Caleb, though an absolute prick, was more aggressive, too bad his killings were done mostly off camera. Like if you killed my cat I'd drag your hipster vampire ass right into the sun, it's not happening. 

I don't really know why this movie was made, the story was mediocre, the acting was mediocre, it was somehow an hour and thirty-two minutes of pretty much nothing interesting. This is what I get for not watching the movies on my list and going rogue. 

XX (2017)

Rating: Thumbs Down 👎

XX is four short films that are written and directed by women. My favorite was actually the stuff happening in between the films, some CGI dollhouse with a face going around trying to find shit. I thought it was well animated and I quite enjoyed it. The films, on the other hand, did not wow me. 

Film One: The Box

This wasn't terrible, but, being me, I wanted to know what was in the damn box. 

Film Two: The Birthday Party

I spent most of this film trying to figure out where I recognized the mother from (she's from Rose Red). I wouldn't consider this movie scary in any way, it's very just there. 

Film Three: Don't Fall

Did it wow me? Nah. When the main girl changes into, whatever it is she changed into, that was pretty cool. 

Film Four: Her Only Living Son

Dumb. Like Rosemary's Baby, but the baby is turning 18. 

Hypersomnia (2016)

Rating: Thumbs Down 👎 or Thumbs Up 👍 

I chose to watch this because I liked the movie poster. 

This is a very confusing movie about a girl who is cast in a play somehow about her twin sister, who she didn't know she had, and how she was being kept locked up by human traffickers. Milena, the sister on the outside, started having weird "out of body" experiences after getting the part in the play, she even went to a therapist to talk about it. Layla, the sister on the inside, wakes up feeling confused because she apparently sees things through Milena's eyes. I don't know, it's fucking confusing, they're like twins who can control each other when one is in a seizure like state, it makes no damn sense. 

How was there a whole play written about things that were currently happening, or was that not real? I just don't know. 

This movie was pretty okay, justice served at the end, which I'm usually a fan of. The whole "The Gardener" thing was pretty out there, he looked like he could be a serial killer in his own horror franchise so I feel that part was a bit out there. 

This is the type of movie I would have my friend watch because it would confuse the fuck out of her, more than it confused me. I guess it was good, confusing and weird, but acceptable. 

The play was real though, I just, was the writer a patron of the hotel, or not, because the play seemed to know a bit too much about Layla and the son. 

I'm so confused. 

Someone go watch this, and then tell me if you are also confused. 

New theory:
In Mortal Kombat the character Mileena has like hundreds of clones made of her, and when she dies her memories all transfer to another Mileena body so she can continue to take down that new guy from the new game whose name I don't remember, but he and D'Vorah killed her (sorry if you haven't played story mode in MKX yet, but it's been out for quite some time now). The main girl in the movies' name is Milena, and though Layla doesn't "die" I feel a similar phenomena happens. The Gardner could be similar to the Texas Chainsaw guy who is also a DLC character in MK, maybe human trafficking and Mortal Kombat have more similarities than one previously thought. 

Mileena is bae

You Get Me (2017)

Rating: Thumbs Up 👍 (but in reality like a 3/5)

Tyler, the oldest looking high school senior ever, is dating new girl in town Alison. They have been together all summer but still haven't had sex, which is so bad when you're in high school. At an end of summer type party Tyler meets Chase, someone who knew Alison from when she lived in San Fran, or wherever, they're in LA now I'm pretty sure. Apparently Alison used to be a huge partier, she drank and she had sex, this upsets Tyler because they haven't done the dirty yet. While processing this information he briefly meets Holly, a weird girl, who also looks to old to be in high school. Tyler confronts Alison about this whole different life she led, and she gets upset because it seemed that all Tyler wanted was sex, so she dumps him. While leaving the party he see Holly in a pretty sweet vehicle outside and decides to go with her. 

The next couple days are full of club grinding, sex, talking about her dead dad, more sex, and Holly saying she should come to his school so he can forget all about Alison breaking his heart. When Tyler goes home he immediately regrets what he did with Holly and goes to apologize/get back together with Alison. 

School starts, guess who he sees? Holly. She did transfer schools to surprise him, as she thinks that he really loves her and not Alison. Long story short, Holly has some mental problems and was institutionalized for assaulting someone at her former school over another girl's boyfriend, so you can see where this is going. 

Holly's shrine to Tyler.

So I gave this a thumbs up because in the end justice was kinda served to Holly, and I say "kinda" because it's left very loosely, I wouldn't watch it again though. 

Strayed (2014)

Rating: Thumbs Up 👍

I, the author who hates found footage films, actually liked this particular found footage film. I know, I'm still in shock. I still did not enjoy all the screaming at the end, mostly because I watch movies at like 2 AM and I don't want to wake anyone else up. 

What makes this film so different? It's funny. It's about a guy making this documentary as his thesis at an abandoned bathhouse. At the beginning of the film we learn that an exorcism successfully occurred here, and the demon is in a chest behind the very narrow number 18 door. They reference Paranormal Activity,  Ghostbusters, and Poltergeist, they make it seem like a real fake documentary instead of an obvious fake storyline. 

The skeptic friend, Lúcio, was very comedical throughout the first hour, from eating cereal that's been left there for 10 years to singing his own theme music while roaming the halls. To be far everything is funnier late at night, but I did laugh a handful of times. Humor probably isn't what you want in a paranormal found footage film, but it kind of gave it a more "real" feel. It honestly felt like that's how my friends and I would act if we were staying in an abandoned haunted place and filming it. 

I guess you could say that it's a bit slow moving and the killing and stalking doesn't pick up until very close to the end, but it was enjoyable to me. I could not find this film on IMDB under the name Strayed, which is it's name on Netflix, but after searching for cast members I found it under the Spanish name Perdidos.

Also I'm not sure what the were plugging all their CV cameras into, the main guy went to set one up in the bathroom on top of some lockers and he just threw the cords behind the locker to make it look like he did something with it. Lúcio just put his on a railed bed frame that was leaning on a cement brick wall, movie magic. 

American Poltergeist (2015)

Rating: Thumbs Down 👎

Don't know why there is a toddler on the cover, as Girl B was literally an infant when it happened. 

If you've seen this movie, I am sorry. If you've seen this movie and I liked it, I am also sorry, you need help. I haven't seen acting this bad since SyFy's Mega Piranha (that acting was so bad that it physically pained me to watch the whole thing). 

The storyline in this film, I feel, is all over the place, much like this blog post. A handful of college students rent some rooms in a mansion for $325, utilities included; that seems like a red flag. Red flag two, why would a weird widow want to rent out her rooms to college students, unless she wants to try to bang some of them. Out of nowhere one girl, Girl A, starts sleepwalking, she slept walked so hard she got into the locked basement that the homeowner claimed there was no key for. Another girl, girl B, finds her and takes her back to bed. The next day Girl B tells her "brother," who is girl A's boyfriend about this. Shockingly he does not believe that she opened a locked, keyless door. Girl A is apparently also on medication and gets feelings when there are ghosts or something, it was pretty randomly brought up. Girl C then sees the ghost of Lizzy Borden, whose mansion this apparently was prior, and brings it up at lunch. The brother/boyfriend, Boy A, is so sick of this ghost shit and doesn't believe anything, shocking. There is also Boy B who is a christian and goes to church camp, he is very important as he is forced to perform an exorcism on the homeowner near the end of the film, which is humorous because he doesn't know what he's doing, and it's all so forced. 

So this movie, if you can call it that, involves the lost Borden baby, which I'm pretty sure is not real, unlike the Hindenburg baby who I think people still pretend to be, kinda like the Grand Duchess Anastasia. Girl B is apparently the lost Borden baby, and was adopted by Boy A's parents as an infant. Girl B's parents murdered her grandparents, and the mom hung herself in front of Girl B, I think, I'm not going back to check, if you really need to know watch it yourself. 

If you're lucky, maybe Lizzie will hack you to death 20 minutes into this film to spare you.

On the positive side, the film is relatively short, also if you are a fan of ridiculously bad acting you will probably enjoy it. 

Also did not care for Girl B's eyebrows, and hated any close up of them. Pluck them! 

The Houses October Built (2014)

Rating: Thumbs Down 👎

You know when a movie pisses you off so badly you have to vent about it? Well, this is one of those movies. This is the most annoying group of friends I've ever seen, and Zack is probably the most annoying. 

"Oh this is what you guys wanted."

"You wanted extreme haunting."

"We can't go home, we came this far."

Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah! If you have a friend like this, drop them, you don't need them. 

Like good job asshole, now you're all dead because you wanted to road trip across the south and find spooky haunted houses. The word "haunt" used to describe these haunted house adventures is fucking annoying, it's now a trigger word for me, don't say it around me or I'll deck you in the face. 

If someone broke into your RV, filmed you and your friends while sleeping, stole one of their driver's license and then uploaded it on the Internet for everyone to see and you chose to continue your road trip, that means you are the biggest, self-absorbed, annoying asshole in the world. 

I can't. I really can't. Anyone can make a movie these days and have shitty characters and an unclear storyline, I am sick of it! 

I want to beat these characters up, that's how angry I am that they just wasted my time with this garbage. 

Also they, they being this group of haunted house actors, took one of the friends, named Jeff, who I thought was the super annoying main guy, but it turned out it wasn't, so I literally have know idea who Jeff is/was. Sorry you didn't make an impact Jeff, try harder next time. 

The Eyes of My Mother (2016)

Rating: Thumbs Up 👍

I didn't hate it, and that really surprises me.

The mother. 

Shortest review ever. 

Bless

Invoked (2015)

Rating: Thumbs Down 👎

2015 must have been a really bad year for creepy films. 

Terrible, absolutely terrible. I knew it was a found footage film before going into it, but good lord was it awful. Don't watch it, don't waste your time, it's not worth it. 

This is the type of movie where you cannot wait for all the characters to die, preferably in a very painful way. They were the most annoying, loud, and stupid group of people I've ever seen. This movie is essentially absolutely terrible camera movements and screaming. If I hear someone scream the name Craig again, I might have a flashback to this film and lose it. 

The only trivia fact on IMDB on this movie is that it was shot in just 3 days, I'm not surprised. The whole found footage genre usually is easy for creators in the sense that they don't have to show anything happening. You'll be looking at the floor while someone is being murdered and then you see them later with maybe blood coming out of their head. That is not exciting to the viewer, it's frustrating. If I want to watch bad home movies with yelling I can just watch tapes from my childhood.

Again, don't watch it. I wish I didn't watch it. So much screaming, not enough dying. Bloody hell. 

Archivo 253 (2015)

Rating: Thumbs Down 👎

If you've read any of my previous posts you will know my feelings towards found footage films, and if you haven't I will tell you now, I hate them. So I already didn't start off on a good foot with this film, I really feel Netflix should have a warning that says "Found Footage, Beware."

My perception of what this movie was going to be about based on the title and first few minutes:
The English translated title in the beginning of the film is File 253, which makes it seem like this group of four trespassers are going to find a file in the abandoned asylum. In the beginning, whoever is filming at the time, talks to a nurse who used to work at the asylum before it mysteriously shut down. She tells the cameraman that there was a wing in the asylum that only had two or three nurses allowed in, it was very high security, and she found that to be quite suspicious. So now I'm thinking that the four people are going to find a file documenting what happened in this super secret ward and I'm going to get the answer of why it closed down and why there are probably pissed off ghosts. I've seen a few haunted asylum films, but I actually enjoyed the premise that I literally just created for this movie. My movie would have been better.

What actually happened in the movie:
None of that. These people never find a file, they never tell me what happened in the super secret ward, or if they actually found the super secret ward. The amount of disappointment and frustration I am feeling is unreal. Don't name your movie File 253 if there isn't going to be a file, and don't bring up a super secret ward where you know terrible experiments are happening on patients if you are not going to address it. I mean really. There was a lot of hair everywhere, that was never explained, though normal for Asian horror films, I don't know if it's normal for Spanish horror films. 

This movie answered none of the questions that were brought up when the film started, it was like the beginning was for a different movie and once you got to the found footage from the four people that was a separate movie, with a whole different plot. 

Where is the file!?! Where is the goddamn file!

I Am the Pretty Thing That Lives in the House (2016)

Rating: Thumbs Down 👎

Such a promising movie poster too, shame.

I have not been in such pain since watching Rosemary's Baby. This movie was the longest, most pointless film I had ever decided to watch. I actually feel like there was a book I had to read before watching this movie in order to make any sense of it whatsoever. 

We start with a hospice nurse named Lily, but the elderly woman, and author, Iris, insists on calling her Polly. For the first chunk of the movie nothing really happens, and next thing you know it's 11 months later and nothing has really changed. Iris is still alive, Lily is still taking care of her, though you never see it. 

A mysterious mold patch shows up in the house and Lily is concerned about breathing that in. When speaking to the executor of the estate about this she also brings up the whole Polly thing. He says there is a character in one of Iris's books named Polly, so Lily decides to check it out. Too bad Lily is a giant scaredy cat who can't even get past one page in a horror novel. 

Polly's husband built the house Iris, and now Lily, are living in for her as a wedding present. He decides to kill Polly right after they're married and hide her body in the wall, the same wall where the mold is growing, shocking, I know. It is never explained why he kills Polly, there was absolutely no motivation. 

Polly was very pretty though, so still confused on the murder part.

I don't think Lily ever finished the book, and she didn't really start reading it aloud to us til the movie was nearing the end. I feel that I need to read that book to make sense of anything. 

Lily is so scared of a letter written by Polly that it takes a good minute and 30 seconds to even reach for it in the box. The fact that I watched the whole thing and got no answers was Hell. I really don't know why this movie was made. Lily and Iris die at the end, like I assume Lily died from a heart attack brought on by fear of seeing Polly's ghost, but she was only 28 I believe. 

This was just the biggest waste of time. Before Netflix switched to the thumbs up/thumbs down rating, Netflix had assumed I wouldn't like this film, but after switching it was a 90% match or something. 

If you like films that feel so long that they age you, and have literally no point, then this is the film for you. If you don't want to waste your time and actually want a movie with a plot this is not for you, avoid it like the plague. 

Abattoir (2016)

Rating: Thumbs Down 👎

This movie was, in my opinion, a hot mess. When it started I was under the impression that it was a period film, but it turns out it was modern times. I wonder if the main actress wandered onto the wrong set and they just ran with it. 

The movie is basically about a cult leader who was killed by an angry ex-follower. He went to Hell, came back from Hell and convinced a whole town to kill each other and their children for his own selfish reasons. He also collects rooms that brutal murders took place in, but he also seems to orchestrate which rooms he wants, I don't know, it was very confusing. 

He's building this house in the woods and I don't think it follows any building codes and I'm surprised it's even standing. 

I mean look at that, that should not be standing.

Don't watch it, just trust me, it's not good. 

Blog Update

Since Netflix has decided we are too dumb to use a five star rating system and has instead replaced it with a useless thumbs up, thumbs down, no middle ground system, I too, will be using the thumbs up and thumbs down to rate future films. 

Thanks Netflix. 

The Windmill (2016)

Rating: 4/5 

Another not terrible movie, my standards must be dropping. The Windmill takes place in the Netherlands, on a bus tour of Holland's world famous windmills. There is a catch though, of course, the tour takes you to the doorway of Hell where you have to pay for your sins. 

The only thing I think of when I think of Holland, or the Dutch.

Let's introduce our Happy Holland bus tour sinners, shall we?

Jennifer Harris

Jennifer, or Jenny, is a bit mental because she was physically abused by her father growing up. When her father started to abuse her younger brother as well she decided it needed to end. She took her sleeping brother from the trailer and went back in to set it ablaze, with her father in it of course. While the trailer burned she heard her brother cry, he went back inside to get one of his stuffed animals. Jennifer was too afraid of the flames to go back and save him so they both perished in the fire. 

Curt and his father, Douglas

Curt is an innocent young boy on this bus to Hell, but his father isn't. Douglas seems to be an unattentive father. Everytime he tries to take a photo with his son he gets a phone call that he just has to take. Being a busy father isn't exactly a sin, is it? No, it's not. Strangling your ex-wife because she doesn't want to give you any visitation anymore is, it's a pretty big sin actually. Poor Curt doesn't find out about his mother's death til halfway through the film, where moments later he watches his father get strangled, to the point of being beheaded,  on his cellular device.

Takashi Kido

Takashi only speaks Japanese so only one other person understands anything he is saying. From what I gathered his grandmother was very ill, and he got sick of taking care of her so he abandoned her. When brought face to face in the woods about what he had done he showed genuine remorse, sparing his life from the miller. Takashi is the only sinner to show genuine remorse, but is still killed by a second party, which is bullshit. 

Dr. Nicholas Cooper

Nicholas Cooper, a doctor, killed a patient during surgery. Apparently he thinks it's normal for doctors to drink and take medication at the same time before performing life saving procedures. Let me tell you it is not normal, and he showed no remorse, trying to justify the usage because of all the stress doctors have.

Ruby Rousseau

Former model for a Japanese toothpaste commerical, she is the only one who can understand Takashi. She had to leave Japan, and was hired to take photos of Windmills in Holland. Why did she have to leave Japan? Well a younger, cuter model who was apparently "mean" as well came in and Ruby got all kinds of insecure. Ruby hired the Yakuza to cut the new model's face so she couldn't model anymore. The new model was so upset by this that she drowned herself, in Ruby's words, "like a coward."

Jackson

Jackson is the first to die. He is a soldier, and obviously suffers from PTSD. The rest of his squad thought it would be a good idea to blindfold him and take him to the red light district of Amsterdam to buy him a prostitute. But the sound of the fan, the music, and the inability to see with the blindfold led him to kill the prostitute out of muscle memory. He fled the scene leaving his buddies to take care of it while he went on the Happy Holland bus tour. 

Abe

Abe is our friendly bus driver, and accomplice to the miller. The miller is essentially the keeper of Hell's gates, while his mill is the doorway to Hell. The miller kills the sinners, and Abe's job is to kill the one's who are remorseful or innocent. I have an issues with this since obviously I believe the ones who showed genuine remorse and are innocent should be able to just go on with their lives. Who would believe their story about the windmill killings anyways? 

Unanswered Question:

 What happened to Curt?

- I assume he died in the woods. He was a hemophiliac with a cut, no adults, and no map. He isn't seen again before the ending of the movie so eh.

Curt, where is he now?

I must say though, the movie ended exactly how I wanted it to. Abe gets a new bus of sinners, and the circle continues.